caffienekitty (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
caffienekitty) wrote2008-07-22 08:20 pm
caffienekitty) wrote2008-07-22 08:20 pm
Entry tags:
Fanfic... sort of: The Henchmen's Union's "So You're Evil, Now What?" Introductory Package
Disclaimer: I'm referencing a whole bunch of stuff that isn't mine here, but just for fun. I own none of it, not even a Henchman.
Rating:Gen PG, no characters... *shrug*
A/N: Okay. Admittedly, this was inspired by Dr. Horrible, but also a bit by Terry Pratchett, Phil Foglio, the Evil Overlord Handbook and associated spin-offs and an assemblage of other things. I've been an evil overlord/mad scientist fan for years. It's not really Fanfic, it's not Art, it's... I'm not sure what. Hopefully, it's entertaining.
The Henchmen's Union's "So You're Evil, Now What?" Introductory Package
Congratulations
on your acceptance to
The Evil League of Evil
As you are a new member of the League, we at the Henchmen's* Union are pleased to send you our “So You're Evil, Now What?" Introductory package.
(*The term Henchman includes men, women, persons or entities of all, any, indeterminate, or several genders, artificial intelligences, animals, plants, mollusks, fish, insects, arachnids, fungi, amorphous blobs, and whatever 'The Squidgy Enigma' is.)
Every Villain Needs a Henchman
It's always been that way,
Someone to help in rubbing out
the heroes you must slay.
Someone to dig up corpses
or iron your best suit,
keep track of your finances
or carry all your loot.
We want to help you reach your goals
be they epic or mundane.
We helped out Dr. Frankenstein
we're Pinky to your Brain
It's a hard job and thankless
but we think that's okay.
When your face is on the dollar bill
that is our true pay!
So call us now and anytime.
Just tell us what to do.
We'll vacuum in your secret lair.
We're not too proud to style your hair.
We'll even wash your underwear.
We'll kick some hero derriere!
We're henchmen through and through!
Henchman Placement Application Request Form
Standardized Henchman contracts are available, and pay and benefit requirements and based on your goals as a villain, and the anticipated risk and length of service required. The pay and benefit structure is considerably different for a villain wanting to rule the world than for a villain wanting to inconvenience parts of Nebraska*.
(Note of Trivia: To date, Earworm, Scourge of Nebraska in 1901 (now deceased) holds the record for the lowest required Henchman pay and benefits package, being twelve ears of corn and a clean gunnysack. In today's economy this would be equal to twenty dollars and a t-shirt from Target.)
Please select the following attributes you wish your Henchman to have.
If an attribute category is irrelevant to your Henchman needs, please leave it blank. While you may have a very specific combination of features in mind, you will be matched with a Henchman much more quickly if you are willing to accept some variance. Please only select the attributes your Henchman MUST have for fastest placement.
(Terms implying gender or species used on this form are assumed to include all genders and species)
Appearance: (circle one)
Fearsome / Gruesome / Normal / Attractive / Drop-Dead Gorgeous* / Other
(*This is not a literal descriptor, and does not indicate you will be able to use your Henchman to cause heroes to drop dead, except perhaps very elderly or infirm heroes such as Coronary Man or The Prehistoric Prune.)
Competency Ratings:
(Indicate a desired percentage range in any relevant category. Contracts for Henchmen with low competencies or complete incompetence will be discounted accordingly.)
General Overall Competency ________
Specific skill areas of competence:
Acting ________
Administrative Assistance ________
Appearing Sane ________
Assassination ________
Blending In With The Throngs ________
Brawling ________
Cackling ________
Child-Minding ________
Cleaning ________
Computer Use ________
Contact With Otherworldly Beings* ________
Cooking ________
Dancing ________
Domestic Management ________
Filing ________
Fortune-Telling* ________
Grave-Digging ________
Heavy Lifting ________
Interrogation ________
Janitorial ________
Laboratory Techniques ________
Lurking ________
Medical ________
Murdering ________
Personal Hygiene ________
Psychic Ability* ________
Research ________
Singing ________
Skulking ________
Spelling ________
Torture ________
Other: _____________________ ________
Other: _____________________ ________
Other: _____________________ ________
(*The Henchmen's Union cannot guarantee claims of these starred Competencies to be accurate or non-delusional, select at your own risk)
Special Abilities:* (circle as many as apply)
Useful / Not Useful / Entertaining / Revolting / Other
(*You are of course welcome to go into detail, but the chances of a Henchman in the Union having exactly the special ability you are seeking makes it much less likely for a quick placement.)
Morality: (circle one)
Utterly Amoral
Vile
Depraved
Unspeakable
Unprincipled
Unethical
Dishonorable
Unscrupulous
Ambiguous
Naive
Ethical
Honorable*
Righteous*
Just*
Saintly*
(*If you are considering selecting any Morality level with a star, you may have more luck at the Sidekick's Guild, and may wish to re-examine your evil nature. We suggest perhaps taking a weekend off your scheming to go kick some puppies. Just a thought.)
Please Note: While it may seem appealing to have a Henchman with lower morals than your own, this may lead to discontent and disloyalty in your henchman, and aspirations of usurping your villain-hood.
Please also be aware that opting for a Henchman of higher morality carries with it other associated dangers. For example, requiring a higher morality henchman to do things far below their assessed morality level runs the risk of your Henchman developing a conscience which can be inconvenient at best and lethal at worst.
Risk and Length of Service:
As mentioned above, contract details depend a great deal on anticipated Risk Level and Length of Service. We respectfully request that you consider these options as realistically as possible, as it is quite difficult and annoying to renegotiate a contract while in a running gun battle.
Risk Level: (Circle one)
Minimal / Low / Some / Average / Lots / Tons / Certain Death*
Length of Service: (circle one or more)
A week
A month
A year
Two Years
Five Years
Ten years
In perpetuity*
Until my arch-nemesis _____________ dies
Until I (the villain) die
Until you (the henchman) dies*
Until I kill you.*
(*Selecting these options in the Risk and Length of Service areas will severely limit your placement options as very few Henchmen these days are willing to commit to a Villain/Henchman contract of more than ten years, or a commitment which has no fixed end date, or requires them to be in any way dead, regardless of the potential for resurrection, reincarnation, or long-term care as a brain in a jar or a haunted skull.)
Contract Conditions:
All contracts are legally binding, but we know most villains scoff at the law, so we have our own methods of enforcing contract conditions.
If at any time, the Henchmen's Union discovers any undeclared extension of service contract or unanticipated change in risk level or any other non-consensual mistreatment of a Henchman, we reserve the right to remove the Henchman from the placement, or renegotiate the contract per the new situation. If the infractions continue the Henchmen's Union will take action.
We want your evil plot to go as smoothly as possible, so we hope your Henchman will not feel the need to file a grievance, or his loved ones feel the need to file one posthumously, as this will require us to interfere with your on-going operations. This would be regrettable and most disheartening. Sometimes literally, but we try to avoid such extremes these days.
We hope we can be of service to you!
Sincerely,
Igor, President (in perpetuity)
- - -
(see, not fic. But I don't know what else to call it. *shrug*)
Rating:Gen PG, no characters... *shrug*
A/N: Okay. Admittedly, this was inspired by Dr. Horrible, but also a bit by Terry Pratchett, Phil Foglio, the Evil Overlord Handbook and associated spin-offs and an assemblage of other things. I've been an evil overlord/mad scientist fan for years. It's not really Fanfic, it's not Art, it's... I'm not sure what. Hopefully, it's entertaining.
Congratulations
on your acceptance to
The Evil League of Evil
As you are a new member of the League, we at the Henchmen's* Union are pleased to send you our “So You're Evil, Now What?" Introductory package.
(*The term Henchman includes men, women, persons or entities of all, any, indeterminate, or several genders, artificial intelligences, animals, plants, mollusks, fish, insects, arachnids, fungi, amorphous blobs, and whatever 'The Squidgy Enigma' is.)
Every Villain Needs a Henchman
It's always been that way,
Someone to help in rubbing out
the heroes you must slay.
Someone to dig up corpses
or iron your best suit,
keep track of your finances
or carry all your loot.
We want to help you reach your goals
be they epic or mundane.
We helped out Dr. Frankenstein
we're Pinky to your Brain
It's a hard job and thankless
but we think that's okay.
When your face is on the dollar bill
that is our true pay!
So call us now and anytime.
Just tell us what to do.
We'll vacuum in your secret lair.
We're not too proud to style your hair.
We'll even wash your underwear.
We'll kick some hero derriere!
We're henchmen through and through!
Standardized Henchman contracts are available, and pay and benefit requirements and based on your goals as a villain, and the anticipated risk and length of service required. The pay and benefit structure is considerably different for a villain wanting to rule the world than for a villain wanting to inconvenience parts of Nebraska*.
(Note of Trivia: To date, Earworm, Scourge of Nebraska in 1901 (now deceased) holds the record for the lowest required Henchman pay and benefits package, being twelve ears of corn and a clean gunnysack. In today's economy this would be equal to twenty dollars and a t-shirt from Target.)
Please select the following attributes you wish your Henchman to have.
If an attribute category is irrelevant to your Henchman needs, please leave it blank. While you may have a very specific combination of features in mind, you will be matched with a Henchman much more quickly if you are willing to accept some variance. Please only select the attributes your Henchman MUST have for fastest placement.
(Terms implying gender or species used on this form are assumed to include all genders and species)
Appearance: (circle one)
Fearsome / Gruesome / Normal / Attractive / Drop-Dead Gorgeous* / Other
(*This is not a literal descriptor, and does not indicate you will be able to use your Henchman to cause heroes to drop dead, except perhaps very elderly or infirm heroes such as Coronary Man or The Prehistoric Prune.)
Competency Ratings:
(Indicate a desired percentage range in any relevant category. Contracts for Henchmen with low competencies or complete incompetence will be discounted accordingly.)
General Overall Competency ________
Specific skill areas of competence:
Acting ________
Administrative Assistance ________
Appearing Sane ________
Assassination ________
Blending In With The Throngs ________
Brawling ________
Cackling ________
Child-Minding ________
Cleaning ________
Computer Use ________
Contact With Otherworldly Beings* ________
Cooking ________
Dancing ________
Domestic Management ________
Filing ________
Fortune-Telling* ________
Grave-Digging ________
Heavy Lifting ________
Interrogation ________
Janitorial ________
Laboratory Techniques ________
Lurking ________
Medical ________
Murdering ________
Personal Hygiene ________
Psychic Ability* ________
Research ________
Singing ________
Skulking ________
Spelling ________
Torture ________
Other: _____________________ ________
Other: _____________________ ________
Other: _____________________ ________
(*The Henchmen's Union cannot guarantee claims of these starred Competencies to be accurate or non-delusional, select at your own risk)
Special Abilities:* (circle as many as apply)
Useful / Not Useful / Entertaining / Revolting / Other
(*You are of course welcome to go into detail, but the chances of a Henchman in the Union having exactly the special ability you are seeking makes it much less likely for a quick placement.)
Morality: (circle one)
Utterly Amoral
Vile
Depraved
Unspeakable
Unprincipled
Unethical
Dishonorable
Unscrupulous
Ambiguous
Naive
Ethical
Honorable*
Righteous*
Just*
Saintly*
(*If you are considering selecting any Morality level with a star, you may have more luck at the Sidekick's Guild, and may wish to re-examine your evil nature. We suggest perhaps taking a weekend off your scheming to go kick some puppies. Just a thought.)
Please Note: While it may seem appealing to have a Henchman with lower morals than your own, this may lead to discontent and disloyalty in your henchman, and aspirations of usurping your villain-hood.
Please also be aware that opting for a Henchman of higher morality carries with it other associated dangers. For example, requiring a higher morality henchman to do things far below their assessed morality level runs the risk of your Henchman developing a conscience which can be inconvenient at best and lethal at worst.
Risk and Length of Service:
As mentioned above, contract details depend a great deal on anticipated Risk Level and Length of Service. We respectfully request that you consider these options as realistically as possible, as it is quite difficult and annoying to renegotiate a contract while in a running gun battle.
Risk Level: (Circle one)
Minimal / Low / Some / Average / Lots / Tons / Certain Death*
Length of Service: (circle one or more)
A week
A month
A year
Two Years
Five Years
Ten years
In perpetuity*
Until my arch-nemesis _____________ dies
Until I (the villain) die
Until you (the henchman) dies*
Until I kill you.*
(*Selecting these options in the Risk and Length of Service areas will severely limit your placement options as very few Henchmen these days are willing to commit to a Villain/Henchman contract of more than ten years, or a commitment which has no fixed end date, or requires them to be in any way dead, regardless of the potential for resurrection, reincarnation, or long-term care as a brain in a jar or a haunted skull.)
Contract Conditions:
All contracts are legally binding, but we know most villains scoff at the law, so we have our own methods of enforcing contract conditions.
If at any time, the Henchmen's Union discovers any undeclared extension of service contract or unanticipated change in risk level or any other non-consensual mistreatment of a Henchman, we reserve the right to remove the Henchman from the placement, or renegotiate the contract per the new situation. If the infractions continue the Henchmen's Union will take action.
We want your evil plot to go as smoothly as possible, so we hope your Henchman will not feel the need to file a grievance, or his loved ones feel the need to file one posthumously, as this will require us to interfere with your on-going operations. This would be regrettable and most disheartening. Sometimes literally, but we try to avoid such extremes these days.
We hope we can be of service to you!
Sincerely,
Igor, President (in perpetuity)
- - -
(see, not fic. But I don't know what else to call it. *shrug*)
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