SPN Fanfic: Parsimonious

[caffienekitty]

Title: Parsimonious
Characters: Dean, Sam
Rating: GEN, PG13.
Word Count: 570-ish words
Warnings: SPOILERS FOR 4.04 Conversation-style. Drunkenness and possible blasphemy.
Disclaimer: Oooo, I definitely don't own them.
Summary: Sam tests an old saying.
A/N: Okay, this started out as funny, and then went... freaky. Do I think Sam is really thinking like this? I hope not, and if he was, I doubt he'd ever say it to Dean. But that's where the bunny went, so I chased it. O.O

Conversations
by CaffieneKitty
-
Parsimonious
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Timeframe:
Shortly after Metamorphosis (4.04) sometime.
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"Hello?"

"Heeeeeeey! Deeeeeeeeeeean!"

"...Sam?"

"Thash me!"

"Sam, where the hell are you?"

"Mythbushters."

"...is that the bar you're at?"

"'S a TV show, Dean. Tests 'n' stuff."

"I know it's a TV show, moron. They blow crap up."

"'S scientiffical 'n all."

"But you're not on Mythbusters, right?"

"Nuh. M'doin' it freelance."

"...You're blowing things up?"

"M'testin' a whatsis. Adage."

"You're drunk, Sam. Where are you?"

"'S not the right question, Dean. Gotta ask "Wha's th' adage?""

"Okay, fine. What's the 'adage'?"

"Adage I been testing's th'one that says, "You can't cry when you're drinking something." Feel like crying, drink something, anything you want, don't cry. Yup."

"Uh hunh. So you're drunk in a bar somewhere crying."

"Not crying. Drinking. Adage works great. 'S confirmed. Woo!"

"What bar are you at Sam?"

"Wanna know why I'm testin' it, Dean?"

"Not really, but I'm sure you're gonna tell me."

"'Cause God hates me."

"Sam-"

"Nope. God hates me. You said. Yer angel wants to smack me."

"He wants you to stop being a frigging idiot, Sam! And God just wants you to stop what you're doing, I never said He hates you!"

"Yup. He hates me so mush, sooooooo much, He sent an angel to get my brother out of Hell."

"That's ridiculous. If God, or angels, or whatever, if any of them hated you, they'd, I dunno, fire a lightning bolt at you or blight your crops or something."

"Noooo, nuh uh. There's a word. Parshl- Parzmn- Persimonyoo- Parsimonious."

"...Parsimonious? Is that the word? Or are you still working on it?"

"Nuh. Parsimoooonious. Means God don't smack you himself, he brings your brother back from Hell to do it for him."

"Listen, Sam, I-"

"I tell you what, Dean. I tell you what. You can beat the crap outta me if you want. Or if yer angel says to. Or if God says to. Don't care."

"I'm not gonna beat the crap out of you, Sam! Just-"

"Don't care. Beat me up. Any time. It's still worth it. Worth ev'ry secon'."

"...Sam..."

"'Cause I got it figured out now. If what I was doing, if tryin' to use this demon psychic crap for good was soooo bad that God hates me, and had you brought back from Hell to smack me around 'cause of it? S'all worth it. Alla the headaches an' Ruby an' everything. Do it again any day."

"Do it again? Do not tell me you're getting evil bitch lessons from Ruby again!?"

"No, no, no!"

"Well, good."

"Not now."

"What? Sam, if-"

"Yer not in Hell, see? But if you die? If you go 'way again, Dean? I can make God hate me again. Really, really hate me. And then He'll bring you back!"

"...Sam, you- you can't... You're drunk. You aren't making sense. That's crazy."

"'S awesome. 'S perfect. You'll never ever die forever, Dean! 'Cause I can make God bring you back!"

"Sam, okay, Sam, just- just shut the hell up, alright!? You're drunk, and, and you are seriously frigging nuts. God doesn't- I don't even- Look, I'm coming to pick you up. Where are you?"

"Some bar. Uhhhh... dunno whash called. Big fish onna wall. Hey, you there, guy? Where am I? ... 'S the Carp Hole. Hey, thas cute! Carp Hole. Haha!"

"Okay, I'll find it. Do not go anywhere, you hear me?"

"Yep! Hear ya! 'S great to hear ya, Dean!"

"I'll be right there. We'll get you back to the hotel to sleep it off and you'll forget all about all this crap in the morning."

"Hey! Hey, know what this means, Dean?"

"That you need to get your puking over and done with before you set foot in my car?"

"God made your angel bring you back 'cause of me 'n my psychic crap. So I did getcha outta Hell after all! Ha!"

"Sam... just... go puke, Sam."

"Okay!" *click*

"...dammit Sam..."

- - -
(thash all *hic*)


Post A/N: The original impetus of this, the "can't cry if you are drinking something" adage, may not be as well-known as I thought it would be. I couldn't locate a reference or quote on Google. Nor could I find the definition I'm thinking of for parsimonious. I fail at Google today. :-P

Conversations Index

Comments

[anniehow.livejournal.com]

"You'll never ever die forever, Dean! 'Cause I can make God bring you back!" LOL

Oh Sammy, dear.

You make want to wrap him up in a blanket and take him home and feed him cookies and pet his head. :)

[janglyjewels.livejournal.com]

Ok, this just broke my heart. Poor, poor Sam. He has always had such faith in God and angels. When Dean told him that God wanted him to stop using his powers last week, Sam's face just fell and I started crying.

This is just such a great piece.

[selinamoonfire.livejournal.com]

Awww...poor Sammy thinking God hates him. Though he's hilarious when he's drunk. I kept going Awwww and laughing myself silly.

[july-july-july.livejournal.com]

I love it! To quote the late, great Mrs. Landingham:

"God doesn't make cars crash and you know it. Stop using me as an excuse."

Oh, Sam.

[brigid-tanner.livejournal.com]

Oh, Sam...that logic is beautiful and you're going to be in so much pain in the morning when that hangover kicks in. I love this. Perfect voices of the guys.

[(Anonymous)]

Sam, Sam, Sam. I think he needs a hug. Probably stop drinking too, but--poor Sam. Horrible things just keep popping his innocent bubble, and now..yeah. Again, well done.

Sharon

[silverruffian.livejournal.com]

I put this one in my memories. I could hear the boys' voices, Sam slurring, Dean exasperated, trying to deal with his drunk lug of a brother. This was brilliant!

[iamstealthyone.livejournal.com]

Nicely done. A good mix of sad and creepy. The things Sam might do to get his brother back …

Favorite lines:

"Wanna know why I'm testin' it, Dean?"

"Not really, but I'm sure you're gonna tell me."

"'Cause God hates me."

Oh, Sam.

If you go 'way again, Dean? I can make God hate me again. Really, really hate me. And then He'll bring you back!"

I hadn’t thought of this angle before. Yikes! Sam willingly going darkside just to piss God off and get Dean back … yikes! (Nifty angle. *nods*)

[kimmer1227.livejournal.com]

I never thought of it that way, but Sam is right. Dean probably wouldn't have been brought back if Sam hadn't gone down that twisty road. Oh, Sam.

[blackcat333-99.livejournal.com]

Oh yes. Drunk!Sam logic. I approve.

"Yer not in Hell, see? But if you die? If you go 'way again, Dean? I can make God hate me again. Really, really hate me. And then He'll bring you back!"

"...Sam, you- you can't... You're drunk. You aren't making sense. That's crazy."

"'S awesome. 'S perfect. You'll never ever die forever, Dean! 'Cause I can make God bring you back!"

It should break my heart, really, but I'm too busy smiling at Sam's way of trying to put the best possible spin on things that he can live with.

Oh BOYS. *hearts them*

[sadelyrate.livejournal.com]

*glee*

I'm not sure whether to laugh or cry at how right this sounds and how very, very curiously screwed up the boys are... But you rock. This rocks. Methinks I should probably go drink something just in case. Test that adage.

Carp Hole. *hee*

Thank You!

*HUGS*

[caffienekitty]

He's like that, isn't he. :-)

[caffienekitty]

Thank you! Sam's faith really adds a whole 'nother layer to what's going on with him, doesn't it?

[caffienekitty]

Sam is complex like that *nods*

[caffienekitty]

*giggles at your icon* Thanks :-)

[caffienekitty]

Drunk logic is the best logic, at least while you're drunk. And Sam would indeed be a very hurting boy in the morning. :-)

[caffienekitty]

Horrible things just keep popping his innocent bubble,

I know! Even an angel now!

[caffienekitty]

Aw, thank you! :-D

[caffienekitty]

Sam willingly going darkside just to piss God off and get Dean back

I totally think he might, too. He's been jerked around so often by Dean dying or nearly dying (Faith, IMToD, Mystery Spot, No Rest FTW) he might just snap and go truly insane if Dean ever dies again. He's a very broken boy, and he's still cracking.

ETA: clarity

[caffienekitty]

I know, it kind of hit me while I was writing this and trying to figure out why Sam would be in a bar trying to force himself to not cry. It's a bit of a scary thought.

[caffienekitty]

It should break my heart, really, but I'm too busy smiling at Sam's way of trying to put the best possible spin on things that he can live with.

Winchesters are like that, aren't they. :-)

[caffienekitty]

Thank you! It is kind of half-humor half-angst, so laugh or cry both work I think. *nods*

[iamstealthyone.livejournal.com]

He's a very broken boy, and he's still cracking.

*nods* I'm eager to see him crack some more as the season progresses. It makes for such juicy angst.

[caffienekitty]

Sam has the potential to be a truly scary S.O.B. for the sake of Dean.

[caffienekitty]

Oh absolutely!

[sams1ra.livejournal.com]

Loved it! Loved the idea, loved drunk!Sam and confused and helpless Dean, loved that it was Sam who got Dean out of hell. Great fic!

[caffienekitty]

Wow! So much love! Thank you!