caffienekitty | SPN Fanfic: Through Your Eyes

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SPN Fanfic: Through Your Eyes

Title: Through Your Eyes
Warnings: SPOILERS for 4.06
Rating: GEN, PG13
Word Count: 1100 words
Characters: Sam, Dean
Disclaimer: All Kripke's, I'm just trying to fill in some blanks.
Summary: Missing/alternate scene from 4.06. Sam's POV of the hotel room scene.
A/N: Well, I said I wanted to see it, so here's my take on it. Not humour.

-
Through Your Eyes
by CaffieneKitty
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Sam strode down the hall at the Bluebird, intent on dropping Luther Garland's file on the first level surface available and immediately heading back out to continue the search for Dean.

I know he's sick, I never should have let him walk away like that. Where the hell is he?

He'd look all night, but he didn't have all night. If he couldn't find Dean in the next half hour, he was calling Bobby and anyone else he could find that'd be willing to help look. Or had other ways of finding his freaked out brother who'd disappeared as he was slowly getting scared to death.

When he opened the door and saw Dean in the room, sitting on the edge of the bed and panting slightly, the relief hit Sam like a physical wave. He put his room key into his pocket. "I looked everywhere for you Dean! How the hell'd you get here?"

"Ran?" Dean looked lost, younger than he'd ever been.

Asking why Dean had run and probably finding out what other completely non-scary things had suddenly become terrifying to his older brother did not feel like a good idea to Sam. He went and sat on the other bed.

"What do we do now?" Dean asked, wavering. "I got less than four hours on the clock."

Sam sighed, not sure what to say. Plans for dealing with this 'ghost sickness' were eliminating themselves before they had a chance to try any of them.

"I'm gonna die, Sammy!"

"No you're not!" Sam stated, unable to sit there silently. They had to find a plan, any plan. They needed to find some way to break this. "We're going back."

"Back?" Dean sounded freaked. Again. Sam looked over at his brother who was perched on the edge of the bed, looking... freaked.

I can't believe how scared he still is of that place. "Don't be scared, Dean. The mill."

Dean's face went blank, tense, his eyes shifting nervously, the beginnings of a frown crumpling his forehead.

Sam looked across the room at the wall. Even when they were kids, Dean was never this jumpy about anything. It was unnerving. Dean always bottled fear up, especially around Sam, thinking his wall of attitude hid it all away. To see this raw, exposed panic over nothing... It was like this wasn't really Dean at all. It was a Dean that Sam had no idea how to react to.

"We're running out of time, but we'll do it. Luther's..." Sam turned to smile reassuringly at Dean, "just another pain in the ass."

Dean stared back at him like he had just said he wanted roasted babies for breakfast.

"Dean?"

Dean's eyes popped open wide. He shot up from the bed and charged towards Sam, attacking.

"Hey!" Sam brought his hands up automatically to fend Dean off, try to catch him, but Dean threw himself stumbling backwards, slamming his back flat against the far wall. He was gasping; his gaze flicked around the room before returning to Sam.

"Dean!?"

"No!" Dean's voice was high with tension, terrified. "You get outta my brother you evil son of a bitch!" Enraged.

Oh god he thinks I'm possessed. "No one's possessing me, Dean!" Sam stood slowly, spreading his hands out and approached his panicking brother. "This is just a hallucination."

Dean stared down towards the floor, straining against a force that wasn't there, then raised defiant eyes to meet Sam's.

Sam hoped the hallucination was over and cautiously put a hand on Dean's shoulder. Dean flinched, his face pinched up with incredulous misery and horror. No, still hallucinating.

"Dean, please, you've got to be calm," said Sam, focussing on keeping his voice level and even, watching his brother's anguished face. "There's nothing I can do about this."

Sam's thoughts were anything but level and even. There's four hours to go, he's not dying now... The other victims of this ghost sickness didn't have as many things to fear in their lives as he and Dean did, though. Maybe with Dean it would go faster, and he'd die sooner... Oh God.

Sam pressed a hand over his brother's heart. He could feel Dean's chest twitch with the pressure of each heartbeat. No, no, don't die! Not again!

Dean's head suddenly jerked back, choking, face going red.

"Heyheyheyheyhey Dean! Hey Dean! Dean! Dean!" Sam gripped Dean's arm, one hand still on his brother's chest, and shook him to try to snap him back to reality. Dean thunked back into the wall and Sam winced trying not to think of what Dean's hallucination might turn that into.

Dean's eyes locked on Sam's, clearer and focused. Sam could feel Dean's heart rate slowing as he wound down from hyperventilating. Thank God. He patted Dean's chest. Dean nodded jerkily, acknowledging his return to reality. Sam walked back across the room, but could still feel Dean staring at his back.

Yeah. I can guess why.

Sam rubbed a hand over his face. "I- we can't do this Dean."

"C- can't do what?" Sam hated the hesitation in Dean's voice.

"You can't work the case if you're hallucinating." I can't stand seeing fear in your eyes when you look at me. And I can't stand by helpless while you die again.

Dean eased away from the wall slowly, like he was expecting to be attacked. "But, you, you need backup, Sam. You said-"

"I'll call Bobby. I should have called him in long before now."

Dean looked crushed. "You don't need me?"

Sam pressed his lips together. "Dean, you're sick, okay? It's dangerous for you to be out right now. You know that. You tried to tell me before and I didn't see it. It's safer for both of us if you stay here."

Dean swallowed, eyes sliding away. "Yeah, sure."

Sam felt like he'd just kicked a puppy and huffed in frustration. "Just... take a sick day, okay? Stay here, it's all secure, watch some TV..."

He picked up the remote and flipped quickly past two horror movies (yet another reason he hated this time of year) to land on "Blanket Fort TV". Colourful clay figures capered around. Perfect. 24/7 non-threatening children's commercial-free programming. As long as the Teletubbies didn't come on, it should be fine for someone who's scared of everything. Everything including his own brother.

In the smallest voice Sam had ever heard from him, Dean said "Okay."

Sam's throat tightened and he dropped the remote on a chair. "Good. Don't worry, Dean. Me and Bobby'll get this straightened out."

"Yeah?"

"Promise."

The smile Dean gave Sam was watery, "...okay." Dean was still keeping his back towards the wall, watching Sam like the hallucination, whatever it was, might come back any second. Or might become real. Or might be real.

Sam could not get out of the room and away from his brother's fears fast enough. This ghost, disease, whatever was going down. No matter what it took.

- - -
(that's it)

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AWESOME.

This line, in particular:

Dean looked lost, younger than he'd ever been.

Younger than he'd ever been. What an elegant way to encapsulate how much these fears are not Dean respond to his own fears, but rather Dean stripped of all his capacity to deal with anybody's fear. This is someone who was never allowed to be young all of a sudden being young and terrified in a way that destablizes everything for both he and Sam.

This was a tres awesome missing scene. Perfect. And canon now, as far as I'm concerned. Yup.

this is just brilliant!

Fantastically done. I love how you mirrored the hallucination's dialog and actions with what Sam was really doing.

Sam pressed a hand over his brother's heart. He could feel Dean's chest twitch with the pressure of each heartbeat. No, no, don't die! Not again!
Loved this. So very much. And I agree with Dodger about Dean looked lost, younger than he'd ever been. It says so much about their childhood, that Dean never left room for fear no matter how afraid he was...

I loved this.

Great! I love how you included little bits of the hallucination's dialogue in the reality, it works perfectly!

Dean stripped of all his capacity to deal with anybody's fear. This is someone who was never allowed to be young all of a sudden being young and terrified in a way that destablizes everything for both he and Sam.

Exactly. It's Dean without the internal coping mechanisms he's gained through growth and experience. He just looked so much like a miserable toddler there. He's always been Sam's big brother, and having Dean so scared of everything has to throw Sam for a loop.

This was a tres awesome missing scene. Perfect. And canon now, as far as I'm concerned. Yup.

Wow! Thank you! :-D

Thanks!

Fantastically done. I love how you mirrored the hallucination's dialog and actions with what Sam was really doing.

Thanks! I still think some of the 'real' dialog came out a little forced. I was trying to loosely match the general cadence of the actual lines with a bit of assonance and oblique rhyme in spots to make it seem more possible that the hallucination had twisted Sam's words and actions.

It says so much about their childhood, that Dean never left room for fear no matter how afraid he was...

Totally. I guess it's a little like that for all older siblings, but it seems to me that Dean's always been Sam's barometer of how to cope, in a way, and Dean not coping is undermining some of Sam's very deep-rooted coping mechanisms as a side effect.

Thanks! It was a bear to get some of the stuff to match up, so I'm glad it worked! :-)

I love this! Sam's POV on Dean here feels like something that was really missing from the episode.

*sniffles* Oh, boys!!!

I was wondering the same thing--why would he leave Dean when he was in a state like that. The raw panic is definitely captured here, with everything stripped away, as people have said. We definitely needed that scene:) Brilliant

Sharon

Absolutely perfect. This is like the ultimate in perfect missing scenes, and it fills in those little emotional gaps flawlessly. This just feels so right, this is *Sam*, how his mind must have been working, and it's a perfect take on how that scene really went, as opposed to poor Dean's hallucination. You must have a wire tap to Kripke's brain, lol!

Saving to mems, because this? Is just so very *right* :-)

"You don't need me?"

Aw. Dean's greatest fear.

Thank you!

*hands you a tissue*

*grins* Thank you!

Thanks! I'm glad it works :-)

Wow! Thank you! :-D

You must have a wire tap to Kripke's brain, lol!

I find that thought exceptionally scary... XD

Absolutely. :-)

Yes! This!

I do believe you've been peeking at the scripts and writing out deleted scenes they had no time for, you clever devil. ;)

Excellent.

I really liked this episode because Jensen was absolutely hilarious - his voice, his facial expressions, his body language - but playing it for comedy meant that we missed the angst of the 'Dean is about to die again' situation. I needed something like this.

One thing I was wondering - if Dean did die, wouldn't he be heading up above rather than down below this time? The contract on his soul was fulfilled; from now on isn't he facing the same afterlife as people who haven't sold their soul?

No way! Teh Evol Spoilerz would get me!

if Dean did die, wouldn't he be heading up above rather than down below this time? The contract on his soul was fulfilled; from now on isn't he facing the same afterlife as people who haven't sold their soul?

Well, there's a topic that can be discussed for hours over a pot of tea. :-D

Much as there is a lot of entities and creatures that operate post-death in this 'verse, there's not a lot of hard and fast rules about who goes where why, beyond the occasional Deal or Reaper conversation. Personally I think... if Dean's destination was not interfered with by external forces of whatever nature, (whether by Deal, by duty, or by taking him by force out of revenge or reward), and if he wasn't determined enough to stay and risk not 'moving on'... Probably 'up'. Into the glowy place John went to. Some kind of peace and rest in any case.

However, what you, me, the fandom in general and even Kripke might think, is not necessarily what Dean thinks. Judging from what we've seen on the show, Dean believes he's going back down. At least he believes it at that moment when he's being put into a place of pure fear. They boy has a lamentable self-esteem, so whether he thinks Hell's going to suck him back down after just because he escaped it, or because Lilith will send him there for spite, or whether he truly believes he's done too many bad things in his life to go anywhere else is really hard to say.

Every time I think of Dean's lousy self-esteem (and I suspect you're right and he thinks the women and booze and lies and general I-am-not-worthy-ness is going to condemn him) I get mad at Pastor Jim Murphy.

I can understand where John's need for revenge came from and how that hurt Dean as a child; and Sam's four years' younger and is only now seeing Dean as a fellow adult who is not invulnerable, not (just) SuperBigBrother - but what the hell was Pastor Jim doing to allow Dean to grow up with that sense of unworthiness?

Dean lost his mother and saw his father become an obsessed hunter and had to suddenly at the age of four grow up and take care of his brother - and surely Jim would have seen that and put some extra time into trying to make sure that Dean realised that he was a valuable, special, worthy person. Dean apparently managed to do that for Sam.

It's the pastor in me. I just want to have a long talk with Jim about his Winchester pastoring.

(Were Dean to die, with no deal involved, he'd obviously be headed for the glowy place that John ended up in. Absolutely no question. We know that, Sam knows that, why oh why can't Dean see that?)

Fanfiction has changed so much that I don't know how to send you a PM! So I added you as a friend, and thought I would reply to your message.

I got 10 reviews for that story I was telling you about. 5 of those reviews were anonymous, and they didn't read past the author's note. They just immediately launched into me. Telling me that I was the jerk, that I'm a lousy writer (how do you know? You didn't read the freakin' story!), saying I have to take off my "Deanglasses" and realize that Sammy is going through his own stuff! (Yeah, well Sammy has been going through stuff for four seasons now. He needs to get over it.)

I also don't read too much fanfiction either. There is a lot of junk out there.

Kat

Fanfiction has changed so much that I don't know how to send you a PM!

Actually, I turned off PM availability because my home computer is so old it's almost impossible to respond to a PM without ten minutes of horsing around.

Hm. It's funny how defensive fans get about the characters. "Yellow Fever" was a bit of a contentious episode for fans with regard to the way the characters were portrayed, so defenses were running rather high on both sides. Maybe it'd be better received now that things have calmed down a bit... Have you tried posting it without the A/N?

I might post it again without the author's note. I might not, though. I haven't actually decided.

Kat

what the hell was Pastor Jim doing to allow Dean to grow up with that sense of unworthiness?

I think Pastor Jim would have had a real Sisyphusian battle trying to get through to Dean. For one, Dean's trauma over Mary, and his disillusionment with the 'angels that watch over him' not saving his mother from the fire seemed to be something that still deeply affected his opinion on faith and religion as an adult, as seen in Houses of the Holy. He's been dismissive of religion in general, so anything that was said to him that he might have interpreted as coming from a religious or faith-based context, he would have likely been disdainful of and dismissed out of hand, no matter how much extra time Jim took.

Also there's the matter of John. I'm not saying John gave Dean a sense of unworthiness, though I know some fans would disagree with that, just that Dean seems to have been John's shadow growing up, as much as he could be. The whole 'Dad's a super-hero' thing included, John as a role model. If John was not open to faith or religion, and I suspect he wasn't, I doubt Dean growing up would be either, as a reflection of John's stance. That would have compounded Dean's trauma-based disdain of faith. Add to that the Winchester stubbornness and iron will, and I don't know if Pastor Jim could frame any counsel in a manner that Dean wouldn't dismiss along with faith and the angels that didn't save his Mom.

I also suspect that Sam spent a great deal more time with Pastor Jim than Dean did. The difference between Sam and Dean's reactions to word of his death seems to imply that. Sam was also not as aware of the family tragedy on an experiential level since he was only six months old at the time. He grew up with the results of the trauma without memory of the trauma itself.

I don't know. I'm rambling now, so I may be completely talking out of my hat here. I really do wish there was more show canon for Pastor Jim (and Caleb for that matter).

Really though, I think Pastor Jim was as fallible a human as anyone, and did what he could for Dean. Some people will not see their own worth, not until they are ready to, and any attempts to make them see it before then will be dismissed.

It's the pastor in me. I just want to have a long talk with Jim about his Winchester pastoring.

Do it. Fic it. Take a look at what we know about the characters, and give Jim's pastoral perspective of the Winchesters. Even if you decide to never post it.

We know that, Sam knows that, why oh why can't Dean see that?

Because he's Dean. In some ways, he's still the same four-year-old who had his world burned away and has been compensating, adapting and coping, often in ways society in general wouldn't approve of, ever since.

*sigh* I don't know if any of that makes any sense.

Do it. Fic it. Take a look at what we know about the characters, and give Jim's pastoral perspective of the Winchesters. Even if you decide to never post it.

Frick! It just came to me as I was driving - Pastor Jim recognising that he can't give a child Dean the help he needs and praying that God will manage it somehow, leading up to this season and Castiel and God having a mission for adult Dean. Now I've got to write it. And I don't have time! Bother you and your plot bunnies!

*blinks innocently*

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SPN Fanfic: Through Your Eyes

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