Adventures in meat: the aftermath

[caffienekitty]

Kitchen + Me = Doom. (or "The undocumented features of a turkey.")

(I don't know why I expected anything different.)


Due to a basic failure of both turkey cooking knowledge and math, (the equation to figure out cooking time for an unstuffed turkey apparently not being "20 minutes a pound at 350F/175C", I guess?) I have discovered several undocumented features of a turkey.


1. If cooked long enough and hot enough, a turkey will spontaneously de-bone itself; almost explosively. The result may look quite a lot like a transporter malfunction (NO THERE ARE NO PICTURES, my gawd O.O), but the convenience of being able to extract almost all the bones without a struggle -- or indeed without having to search for them as they are nearly all in plain sight -- cannot be denied.

2. Cooked long enough to self-de-bone, surface portions of the turkey will conveniently turn themselves into a leathery, jerky-like substance, suitable for packing along on long hikes, such as an assault on Mt. Everest or a trip to the South Pole. Additionally, inner portions will dehydrate themselves for easier storage and longer shelf life.

3. Whether or not to consume the skin is not an issue on a turkey cooked this long, as due to the time and heat it has apparently evaporated. Or escaped. I. Don't. Know. o.O

4. For those making gravy from the juice in the roasting pan, there is an additional convenient feature. There is absolutely no need to clumsily pour the juice into the gravy pan or to siphon it out with an annoying-to-clean baster. Simply pry the black, almost marmite-like goop off the bottom of the roasting pan with a fork or kitchen chisel (What? Doesn't everyone have a kitchen chisel?) This substance can then be dissolved in boiling water to reconstitute into a fine turkey stock with a lightly charbroiled tang.


Additional bonus gravy feature:

- When making gravy, if one adds enough flour, one ends up with a delightful turkey-flavoured pancake. This has all the flavour of gravy with a handy sliceability feature which eliminates all risk of slops and spills. It can be spread on sufficiently hot potatoes with enough force, cut into convenient cubes for later reconstitution or used in soup.


No undocumented features for potatoes or Brussels sprouts were discovered at this time. The microwaveable stuffing was not tested at this time due to the desire to stop tempting fate and get out of the kitchen before it went nova or got sucked into another dimension.

*facepalm*

I'm making soup tomorrow. Ready your apocalypse bunkers.

Comments

[blackcat333-99.livejournal.com]

Umm... turkey wasn't in a cooking bag to help preserve moistness? I merely ask because I didn't see mention of a bag. But maybe there was and it ... got disappeared. Or was simply irrelevent to the final results. Just curious. :)

/is a brat, sorry.

[erinrua.livejournal.com]

o__O

.

[tkf2009.livejournal.com]

ROTFLMAO!

Am going to have to procure myself a kitchen chisel.

[caffienekitty]

I'm weird in that I believe the only plastic things that should go in an oven are Shrinky-Dinks. Also I had a bad 'microwave-able Jiffy-Pop' experience in college involving a plastic covered microwave popcorn thing and 20 cubic meters of melted-plastic smoke in a 2 cubic foot microwave, followed by black, greasy fire.

Also... I think I'm safer not experimenting with such things. This turkey was almost entirely salvageable in one form or another. Odds are, regardless of cooking bag properties, I would have managed to melt it or set it on fire and made it entirely unsalvageable. I did have a kind of tinfoil wrap though. Most of the rest is either going to be soup or reheated in sauce of some kind, so the desiccation isn't a bad thing. :-)

[caffienekitty]

Yeah, that about sums it up.

[caffienekitty]

They are handy, especally when you frequently end up with a quarter-inch of burnt-on goo in cookware.

[blackcat333-99.livejournal.com]

No, I totally see where you're coming from in the "plastic+oven=not good" thing. I just asked because I remember back in my childhood my mom used to cook them covered by tin foil, and at some point she did switch to the special cooking bags, and there was a noticeable difference in the moistness. Turkeys probably one of the few things I'd use the bag in an oven for, lol. But both ways work, obviously. :)

[ciaranbochna.livejournal.com]

Oh my.

[caffienekitty]

Indeed.

[abrakadabrah.livejournal.com]

Fun times!

I like the jerky by-product!

Anyway, it's 20 minutes a pound at *250* - not 350. At 350, it's 9 minutes a pound or so.

[babelmira.livejournal.com]

Everyone knows the meat's done when it falls off the bone.

You'd have been better with duck than turkey - more fat, moister.

[aescu]

I do hope you don't have a smoke alarm in your kitchen...

[unoshot.livejournal.com]

Turkey's done when the wings are falling off, was always my mother's system... but what I really wanted to say was that this came up on my friend list and at first I thought "Adventures in meat: the aftermath" was an epilogue for some really twisted fic.

Like, really twisted. Like whoa.

(I'm glad your holiday was salvaged.)

[lurkingwombat.livejournal.com]

LOL!!!! i loved this. to heck with your fic writing, i think a bio would be hilarious!! "A Year in the Life Of..." :)
Well, i guess you could keep on with the fic as well, but this would be great too :)
hugs to you (and your kitchen)
L. Wombat

[ravenrants.livejournal.com]

Brine the sucker if you're gonna cook him at 350 - also useful? A timer with a thermometer - that way you set it to go off at the appropriate time by the bird's internal temp, not some arbitrary minute.

I haven't had a single explosive de-boning since I started using one of those. (Although this year's gravy was more paste than gravy - I considered paper mache, really I did.)

[eta because have and haven't are two very different concepts.]

[caffienekitty]

I like the jerky by-product!

It's rather tasty, actually! :-)

Anyway, it's 20 minutes a pound at *250* - not 350. At 350, it's 9 minutes a pound or so.

Yeah, that would make quite a difference.

[caffienekitty]

Everyone knows the meat's done when it falls off the bone.

It wasn't a falling off, more of an exploding off. It removed itself.

You'd have been better with duck than turkey - more fat, moister.

*shudders*

It's a good thought, but I can't bear duck. Actually, I took quite a lot of the fat and skin off the turkey before I put it in the oven too, so that probably didn't help. :-/

[caffienekitty]

No, but the apartment is so small that the smoke alarm in the hall goes off if there's any smoke in the kitchen. It gets a lot of use, and it's probably a good thing it's wired into building power or the batteries would go stone dead in a week.

[caffienekitty]

I thought "Adventures in meat: the aftermath" was an epilogue for some really twisted fic.

Like, really twisted. Like whoa.

Noooo, no, no. I don't write that kind of fic. I'm gen in the brain. :-D The most twisted food-related thing have is this which involves cheese and is entirely gen, although it is solid crack.

[caffienekitty]

A whole year would really suck. Trust me. I think I'll just stick to exposing my incompetance a little at a time.

[caffienekitty]

I wouldn't know where to begin for brining. I can barely manage thawing. I think I just need to actually check the bird while it's cooking and not just stick it in the oven and walk away for 4 hours. :-)

[ravenrants.livejournal.com]

Heh - it's actually a lot easier than people make it out to be. I use this: http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/alton-brown/good-eats-roast-turkey-recipe/index.html for the brine base (I sub the ginger with a few bay leaves and some rosemary) and then I rub the bird with olive oil and S&P. I just did an 11lb bird, it took about 2, 2.5hrs to cook (including the 30 min browning beforehand)

Just a suggestion, and I play with it every year.

[babelmira.livejournal.com]

Actually, I took quite a lot of the fat and skin off the turkey before I put it in the oven too, so that probably didn't help

Yeah, that explains a lot.

[malevolent73.livejournal.com]

Oh dear. I'm sorry that I'm laughing but you really make it souind so funny. Esp the bit about the turkey tasting pancake. *appreciative sigh*

It took me many years to finally figure out how to roast a really good turkey.

[samalander-dawn.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry to laugh, & I'm so sorry to laugh so hard but this had both Mum & I in stitches :D (Mum says she also has cooked them until they collapse and they're pretty darn handy that way :) )

huh....we go with the 20 min/lb at 325 + 10 min for the first pound combined with the 'when you wiggle the leg and it falls off it's done' method and it seems to work up to 30 lbs or so.... Regular basting does help combat drying, as does a loose tin foil tent for the first half of the cooking, and it's a convenient time to give the leg a wiggle :) (ya, like a) you need more cooking advice and b) I should be giving it ;) )

but yay! for nummy turkey! and many meals out of it! and sliceable gravy! (I like my gravy thick :D)

(man, they're making everything with bonus features these days, aren't they? Usually the only ones I find are wildlife on my salad, but I live in hopes of some good Easter eggs like that! :) )

[caffienekitty]

Making people laugh at the situation was my intent, so feel free to laugh. I don't get many occasions on which I can roast a turkey to practice, but so far they have all been on "put it in the freezer' occasions and not 'serve it to people I like' occasions.

[caffienekitty]

Laughter is entirely acceptable.

Hm. I had the temp 25 degrees too hot, but the time was right. Weird. Maybe I read the wrong clock or something. Hm.

I did have a tinfoil tent under the lid because the upper burner (which wasn't the one that was on) would have been directly on the turkey. Really I think the trick is actually checking it once in a while and not waiting for the timer or smoke alarm to go off.

[firesnake77.livejournal.com]

I love your cooking adventures! As someone who once set fire to a Pop-Tart in the microwave, I commiserate. I made yeast rolls this year, but due to my kitchen being 55 degrees, the softened butter hardened and the yeast didn't rise much, but they tasted OK - even if the "rolls" turned out more like "2 cake pans of yeast bread."

[caffienekitty]

I was going to attempt bread last weekend too, but got rational before I bought the stuff for it.

[aescu]

We (turkey-n00bs) are currently doing a turkey on our own (6.5kg) and while we were pondering on how long, how hot etc. both my husband and I kept thinking of your... inventive preparation - I so do hope out turkey won't explode or anything ;D

[caffienekitty]

I think the main trick is to check it every so often, and not just set the timer and walk away like I did. :-D

[aescu]

Hehe, we did and somehow it worked :D
Although 6.5kg were a bit too much for 8 persons :)

[caffienekitty]

Ah, but then there is the joy of leftovers! Sandwiches, casseroles, pot pie, soup, stew, make a big bunch and freeze it in dinner-size containers and there you go.

[aescu]

I don't assume there will be much left tomorrow ;D

[thegoldenfox.livejournal.com]

"..good thing the smoke alarms are on Building Power or they'd be STONE DEAD in a WEEK..."

LOL!!! WOW!! That bad, eh? I wonder if there's a layer of CRUSTY GOOP on the smoke detector as well...

[caffienekitty]

More likely the goop is in the oven. I'm also incompetent at oven cleaning, although I do at least try. :-)

[caffienekitty]

It was a learning experience.