Dr. Horrible Fanfic: The Number You Have Reached

[caffienekitty]

Title: The Number You Have Reached
Characters: Dr. Horrible, nameless OC
Rating/Warning: GEN PG, Conversation-format. No offense intended to anyone actually in the profession depicted.
Word Count: Not many.
Disclaimer: Joss Whedon owns this 'verse
Summary: Inspired by a passing comment about a specific type of phone call.
A/N: Random much? O.o


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The Number You Have Reached
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by CaffieneKitty
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"Hello?"

"This is the Receivables Recovery Group, and we require immediate payment or we will undertake legal proceedings!"

"Legal proceedings? Pft."

"This is a very serious matter! We require payment of this debt immediately! Am I speaking to William-"

"Yeah, look, I've got a pot of Wonderflonium I'm reducing on the stove right now. No time to chat."

"You must pay or there will be dire consequences!"

"Oh come on! That didn't sound dire at all! What's the point of even uttering threats if you aren't trying?"

"We- what?"

"Okay, firstly, you're not breathing deep enough. If you want to sound menacing, you can't sound like a strangled chipmunk."

"This is a serious matter!"

"Yeah, see? Strangled chipmunk. You sound twelve. Take a deep breath. Stretch your diaphragm."

"This is an issue that must be resolved! There will be legal proceedings!"

"Nope. Still chipmunky. I don't care about your legal proceedings, and if I did, I certainly wouldn't resolve them with an underaged rodent. You need to sound menacing. Have you considered a vocal coach?"

"This-!"

"No, no, no. Deep breath, try again. Elongate your windpipe. Here, let me demonstrate."

"It's not-"

"IF YOU DARE CALL THIS NUMBER AGAIN, YOU PECUNIARY PIPSQUEAK, I'LL UNLEASH MY HORRIBLE WRATH UPON YOUR OFFICES AT... 1619 Pine Terrace, right?"

"Uh. Yeah."

"Great, you can never be sure with MapQuest. I mean seriously, they put my lair in the middle of the Bay. Not that that's a bad idea, underwater headquarters. I could make it work but it's not really my milleau. It'd rock for Moist though if he ever sets his sights higher than henchman. Hm... Sorry, where was I?"

"Uh...Horrible wrath?"

"Yes, right. I'LL UNLEASH MY HORRIBLE WRATH UPON YOUR OFFICES AT 1619 PINE TERRACE, AND YOUR OFFSPRING WILL CURSE YOUR VERY NAME FOR CENTURIES. Bwahahahaha, etcetera. See? The wording needs some work, but it's the tone and delivery that really matter."

"I, uh-"

"Do you have an evil laugh?"

"Evil laugh?"

"In your line of work, you should really consider developing an evil laugh. It seems to me it'd be a small easy step from debt collection to extortion, and so on from there; pretty soon you'll have plans for world domination and no evil laugh and then where will you be?"

"But- but I don't want to dominate the world, I just want to collect on this debt!"

"Well, you aren't going to."

"But-"

"Get used to disappointment. Or do like I did. Gather it up over a lifetime and let it fester until you're evil enough to accomplish something significant." *KER-SPRONKLE*

"What was that!?"

"Oh no! My Wonderflonium!" *click*

"Hello? Hello?? Man, I should've stuck with telemarketing." *click*

- - -
(that's all)

Comments

[sazz-k.livejournal.com]

Ahahaha, this is great. I was laughing all the way through it xD

[caffienekitty]

Glad you liked it!

[darkly-ironic.livejournal.com]

This is absolutely hilarious! I love it! : D *files it away for future use against debt collectors*

[caffienekitty]

Thanks! XD

[gibbous.livejournal.com]

HAHAHA. Brilliant.

[caffienekitty]

Thank you :-)

[idioticonion.livejournal.com]

Awesome, as always.

And because I'm insane I now want to know exactly what debt he was trying to collect from Dr Horrible.

I know, I know. My brain doesn't work properly! :-)

[caffienekitty]

I'm thinking it was maybe a starter loan for a very early project, and all the hoops he had to jump through to get it contributed to his conviction that the system needed to be changed. Or something.

[selinamoonfire.livejournal.com]

This is what I needed this morning.

Squirrel voice! And evil laugh and...This is awesome!

[caffienekitty]

Hee! Thanks!

[ciaranbochna.livejournal.com]

Hee!! Needed that, bless you, love it:)

[caffienekitty]

Happy to provide :-)

[samalander-dawn.livejournal.com]

*sporfle* :D

(I have such a craving for the good (evil?) doctor now....)

Gather it up over a lifetime and let it fester until you're evil enough to accomplish something significant = WIN!! :D

[caffienekitty]

(I have such a craving for the good (evil?) doctor now....)

At least it's a quickly resolved craving? :-)

[halfshellvenus.livejournal.com]

Hahahahaha!

In your line of work, you should really consider developing an evil laugh.
WIN.

[caffienekitty]

Thanks!

[dendritejungle.livejournal.com]

You had me at "Bwahahahaha, etcetera." :D :D :D

[caffienekitty]

Happy to have you! :-)

[insane-science8.livejournal.com]

Ha! Especially with regards to this: "Great, you can never be sure with MapQuest. I mean seriously, they put my lair in the middle of the Bay..."

It's so casual and intense. And he's so goddamn honest: "Get used to disappointment. Or do like I did. Gather it up over a lifetime and let it fester until you're evil enough to accomplish something significant."

Absolutely wonderful. I think you did excellent job with it. ;)

[caffienekitty]

Thank you so much! Your comment has really brightened my day! :-)

[bugeyedmonster.livejournal.com]

Bwah-ha-ha-ha-ha!

[caffienekitty]

:-D

[spnbratprincess.livejournal.com]

Wonderflonium goes 'spronkle'? That's the most awesome onomatopoeia ever. I've been creepin' on your journal for awhile and I rarely, if ever, comment but I'm starting to feel the need to do more than lurk so...

I love this! Woe betide debt collectors or anyone who else expects to get a straight answer to anything out of Billy. He's just in his own little world and I love the way you did that here.

[caffienekitty]

Wonderflonium goes 'spronkle'?

It does when it boils. :-) Thanks and I'm glad you liked it!