Sherlock Fanfic: Sherlock, the RPG

[caffienekitty]

Title: Sherlock, the RPG
Fandom: Sherlock
Rating: Gen, PG13
Warning: AU? Non-British dialog with occasional gesture direction, profanity, and excessive use of the word "dude". CRACK.
Word Count: 800-ish
Disclaimer: I DISCLAIM ALL THE THINGS.
A/N: Found this on a rummage through my Google Docs and thought what the hell. Humour, but will make more sense if you have rolled polyhedral dice at some point in your life. Role-playing system used in here is SJG's Gurps, but I don't think you need to know anything about it. I may chicken out and delete or lock this. It's a bit weird. [LJ-only]

Summary: A climactic scene from "A Study in Pink" as part of a tabletop role-playing game held in Steve's North American basement.


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Sherlock, the RPG
by CaffieneKitty
-

Voices
Steve: GameMaster
Marty: Playing Dr. John Watson
Ben: Playing Sherlock Holmes


Steve: "You can see Ben and an old guy in a hat in the room, about to take pills."

Marty: "I bust into the room and stop them!"

S: "Um, no. The room across the alley. In the other building."

M: "What?"

S: "You had a fifty-fifty chance, Marty, you picked the wrong building."

M: "Oh, that is so not fair. Can I make it out and around?"

S: "Sherlock is in the process of taking a pill. You'd be too late."

Ben: "It's okay! I know I'm right!"

M: "Dude! I told you! Princess Bride! There is no right pill!"

B: "Naw, Steve wouldn't base a major plot point on an '80's fantasy romance."

S: "Uhhhh, yeaaaah...."

M: "Fine, I shout at him."

S: "Too far away, the window on their side is closed."

M: "Are you trying to kill off Ben's character? The game just started."

S: "He made the choice to go off alone with a serial killer and leave you behind with the drug bust cops."

B: "I'm Overconfident and Curious! I'm playing my disadvantages!"

S: "To the death. Next character you do up, take Common Sense, please?"

B: "Naw, I'll be playing Mycroft if Sherlock ever bites it. Which he won't, 'cause he's awesome!"

S: *facepalm* "Anyway! The cabbie's going on about how much it sucks to be bored and stuff."

B: "I'm totally right. I know it. I'm taking the pill."

M: "Fuck! Shoot him!"

B: "What?! You're shooting me?"

M: "Well, I meant the cabbie, but if it'll stop you committing suicide by stupid, hell yeah!"

S: "Ummmm, Marty? Sense of Duty?"

M: "I can still give him a spurious injury! I've only known him a day!"

S: "Long enough."

M: "Fuck. Fine. I shoot the cabbie."

S: "For real?"

M: "Yes."

S: "You do know what kind of modifiers you're looking at?"

M: "I'm shooting something. Either I hit the cabbie, or I hit Mr. "I'm going to smart myself to death" or I hit nothing and distract them anyway."

S: "So you're either taking a wild shot or you're targeting-"

M: "The cabbie."

S: "From the angle, you're shooting through the hex occupied by Ben."

M: "That'll teach him to be an idiot."

B: "Hey!"

S: "Right. So. Negatives for distance, darkness-"

M: "They're in a lit room."

S: "Okay, fine, no darkness penalty. Through two windows, paned glass, occupied hex, you're looking at a negative 14 to the roll."

B: "What?"

M: "Sounds about right, yeah."

S: "Miss by 8 or more, you shoot Sherlock."

M: "Yup."

B: "WHAT?! I duck!!"

M: "You don't even know I'm there, dude, shut up."

S: "So you're taking the shot?"

M: "I'm taking the shot."

B: "You kill me, I will haunt your ass."

S: "No ghosts in this game, Ben."

B: "Fine. You kill me, my big brother Mycroft will fuck your entire life over."

M: "Like he wouldn't do that if I let you take poison. Anyway your big brother doesn't scare me-"

S: "-and 'John' doesn't know he's your big brother yet, 'Sherlock', so stop meta-gaming."

M: "Right. To me he's your 'arch-nemesis', so as far as I know, if I shoot you he'll send me a fruit basket. Anyway, if I shoot you, you'll get injured. If you take that pill you'll die."

B: "It's not poison! I'm right!"

M: "Princess Bride! Seriously!"

S: "Guys, chill. It's your action, Marty, are you taking the shot?"

M: "I'm taking the shot."

B: "Can't I sense he's there and duck anyway?"

S: "Nope."

B: "Come on! I've got Alertness level 5!"

S: "Got Danger Sense?"

M: "Obviously not."

B: "Shut up Marty!"

M: "Just saying."

B: "So okay. Fine. It's the first session, right? I can do a new character if you kill me."

M: "So rolling-"

B: "Please don't kill me!"

M: "Fine! I'll try not to! Fire!" *rolls dice*

B: "...twelve. You rolled a twelve, with a negative.... Oh god, I'm dead. I'm totally dead."

M: "Made it. Just."

B: "...WITH A NEGATIVE 14 MODIFIER??"

M: "Yeah? My Guns skill is 26."

B: "What??"

M: "We're the same starting point value. You sunk yours into IQ, science, alertness, eidetic memory, crap like that. I'm a doctor with combat experience. I had points to spare after the medical stuff, so...."

B: "Holy shit."

M: "What did you think, I sunk it all into Sex Appeal?"

B: "Kind of, yeah."

S: "So! When the dust clears, the cabbie is on the floor, bleeding out from a shot to the shoulder."

B: "Dude. I love you."

M: "Um. 'Kay...."


- - -
(That's it. *facepalm*)

Comments

[caffienekitty]

Thank you!

[ciaranbochna.livejournal.com]

Holy cripes that was brilliant!

[caffienekitty]

*blush*

[seergirl.livejournal.com]

There should SO be a Sherlock Holmes RPG!

*wonders how much work it would take to advance red death to a modern setting*

[caffienekitty]

I don't doubt there is in some form or other over the years.

[aelfgyfu_mead]

I laughed so hard that Brilliant Husband had to come see what I was reading, and I had to start over so that he could read. I'd gotten as far as
"Right. To me he's your 'arch-nemesis', so as far as I know, if I shoot you he'll send me a fruit basket. Anyway, if I shoot you, you'll get injured. If you take that pill you'll die."
when I just howled.

Brilliant!

[caffienekitty]

Glad you both enjoyed it!

[samalander-dawn.livejournal.com]

this? this is perfection :D
and DAMN I want to game now :D

[caffienekitty]

I know, it's been far too long, but work and things and arg. What is this real life crap and why does it take up so much time?

[samalander-dawn.livejournal.com]

I KNOW! stupid real life *kicks it*
one day. one day it will happen! :D

[noirrosaleen.livejournal.com]

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! I could TOTALLY see that happening!!! I took a shot like this with directed Burning Hands in the campaign I'm in a few months ago, totally nailed it (though I burned the hell out of my chest...). OMG, I gotta rec this to my gaming buddies...brilliant!

[caffienekitty]

Cool! I hope they enjoy it!

[flaera.livejournal.com]

I was thiiiis close to not reading this, because I've burned myself out on Sherlock stuff. But I am SO glad I did! Because it was awesome! I will throw this link at everyone I know and love.

[caffienekitty]

Glad you gave it a chance, and I hope they enjoy it!

[aelfgyfu_mead]

Oh. My. Gosh. I skipped this the first time because I've read some transcripts of RPGs and they weren't any fun, and I thought this would be just the same. Then I read "The Round with the Hound" and realized yours were totally different.

Oh, the hilarity! Ben/Sherlock's confidence and poor planning and the other two mocking him, and Marty/John hardly cares if he shoots Sherlock. . . .

HAHAHAHAHAHA

[caffienekitty]

Thanks, I'm glad you gave it a chance!

[aelfgyfu_mead]

And I just realized that I have in fact read this twice and commented twice, the second time with no memory of having done so the first time.

That thumping sound is my head hitting the desk.

(The good thing is that I really liked it both times!)

[caffienekitty]

I noticed that, but I wouldn't have mentioned it. These things happen. ;-D

[aescu]

Don't you dare facepalming on this one! This is marvelous... wonderful! The funniest thing I've read in ages! And if you ever happen to write more RPG-fiction please don't hesitate to make may day and post it!

[caffienekitty]

I did just the other day, actually: http://caffienekitty.livejournal.com/454379.html

[aescu]

brilliant :)